Description
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day they draw you in with their charm and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you wondering, What should I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani explains in It’s Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.
Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.
Drawing on more than two decades of studying the landscape of narcissism and working with survivors, Dr. Ramani explores how narcissists hijack our well-being and offers a healing path forward. Unpacking the oft-misunderstood personality, she reveals the telltale behavioral patterns that indicate you may be dealing with a narcissist. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle, grieve the loss of these painful relationships, create and maintain realistic boundaries, discern unhelpful behaviors from narcissistic behaviors, and recover your sense of self after constant invalidation.
Thriving after, or even during, a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but It’s Not You shows you it is possible. Dr. Ramani invites you to stop blaming yourself and trying to change the narcissistic person, and to start giving yourself permission to let go of their hold on you and finally embrace your true self.
The book addresses, and provides frameworks to manage the complex feelings that arise in so many survivors (rather than simply saying "this is bad, go, obviously" which can amplify that complexity, and feel daunting or even demoralising.)
It's Not You offered so many practical strategies, in plain language, to negotiate never-ending cycles of toxicity and the fallout of these relationships with a straight talking, always compassionate approach that empowers survivors to move past rumination and guilt, and to take steps back to self while providing a set of keys to manage the good days as well as the not-so-great ones, whether one has to choose to stay in the relationship or opts to leave it.
Of course it is not an alternative to therapy, but having been in therapy for decades, I can say with certainty this book is the missing puzzle piece to help unpick the knots, and shine a light directly on the issue, where traditional therapy would at best, only offer other questions, not answers adding to the confusion - and sadly, at worst, therapy might disregard the abuse, or make it the survivor's "problem."
I believe the therapeutic community as a whole would greatly benefit from the deeper understanding offered by Dr Ramani's insights, and this book would be my number one recommendation to those who have experienced NA (or suspect they may have) - especially to those who face barriers to access therapy. The insights and thoughtful pacing of this book offer profound opportunities toward a deeper understanding of, and reintroduction to self, and the resilience and courage to step out of old narratives.
The trouble with buzz words like narcissism is that they come from more awareness about the topic but then they are sometimes misused. So, it’s important to correctly identify what narcissism is, how narcissistic traits show up in a person, how it affects you and what narcissistic abuse is.
Humans are complex and so are the perpetrators, even the enablers and the victims. We live in a world where people get easily offended but this is also how narcissism can fly under the radar because when it truly exists we adopt the narcissist’s defence. We tell people to be more resilient. However, there is a huge difference between being resilient and adoptable to a variety of healthy behaviour and actually blaming someone who is repeatedly harmed. Also as Dr Ramani says and in my own words, if it was as simple as leaving a relationship upon seeing the first or second warning sign people would. People stay because we are complex human beings who want to make relationships work and accept that we’re all imperfect. We keep trying but ultimately those who keep doing harm have had choices and choose to keep doing harm. Therefore, as many victims of narcissistic abuse feel guilty for leaving, or considering leaving and even talking about their relationship, I would remind them that they are acting in good faith.
The book is worth buying and I wish libraries would stock it. Dr Ramani is providing a life changing service and like any person ought to be critiqued but I’d consider the source of such comments first. She strikes me as self aware and a person who would hold their hand up to their own flaws. She writes about narcissistic abuse and advises on it as she’s been through it. I went through it for decades and am not qualified like Dr Ramani to give the public advice but I do write about it on my sub stack. Just look up my name.